Six months ago we had just moved here from NC. We were all still tanned, things were green, the sun was still hot at times and we were still hopeful. I was still into wearing my dangling sequence earrings, brightly colored ribbed tank, skirt and flip flops. The kids spent most of the time outside and Jesse and I were trying to figure out what our next move was.
Back then, just that short time ago, my mother was still living, I wasn't pregnant, we were both home, catching up with old friends and learning about this neat old house we had come home to. I could feel the energy pumping through us and while we were definitely aware of bumps in the road ahead, we still felt that something good would taking place.
It has. Just not the way we thought. My mother has passed through this life and is on her way to the next, freeing the family she was part of to find our new places. I have gotten pregnant and now we are going to be blessed with another girl for the Gallagher clan. I have found a very interesting job, where, for the first time in my life, I am finally working like a responsible adult and not an uncommunicative whiny child.
Some things I just didn't expect to change were things like our social circle which has now become more of a social spot, the tan and vigor that seemed fixed has waned and I have been struggling with things like resentment and confusion. I sit in this city, this state full of people and feel as if perhaps we are just crazy after all. To think that we could treat everyone like family, with love, honesty, encouragement, and respect--to live with people that share these values and try like we do to do what is right and not just feed our egos-- and most importantly to get that openness back from friends, neighbors, acquaintances and live in an enriching circle. Feedback that is honest, that is open,so that I will take in and look at and try and see their point of view. So I can learn what about me is keeping me from living according to my proported values. I am not saying I would like to change and please everyone. I am saying that if I am doing something that is hurting, irritating, annoying or just plain bothering someone I am with, I want them to tell me. Perhaps there is more there that we can both learn from and both change. Isn't that the ideal of a relationship?
No it isn't easy. But neither is living a life of denial where you spend your day filling your mind with rationalizations so that you can feel like you are doing the right thing yet you are so filled with fear you aren't free to move or do anything new anymore. I have been there and I have done that. And I am not going back.
