Child Interrupted

I just finished reading Susanna Kaysen's biography "Girl Interrupted" after watching the movie a few nights ago. I can't really explain my connection to this movie. After all, it's about an insane teen and I was never insane. Although, there were many times people probably thought I was. I really was pleased at her questions about sanity as well and the mind and the brain.

This seems to come at a good time too. I have been revisiting our approach to homeschooling and how affective the methods we use have been to the kids. While they are very conscious of their social interactions and they have a high emotional awareness, they still feel fear when "called out", so to speak. They feel like they don't know enough and that they aren't smart when in regards to academics. For example, Huckleberry and Jesse were playing Yu GI Oh. Everything was going fine until Huckleberry had to subtract. Jesse walked him through a few things, but it was as if he just gave up after not getting the answer right on the first try. Perhaps he was embarassed and learning how to deal with that emotion. I just don't know how to teach him that while it is alright to have an emotion about a situation, it isn't always right to act on it. I am hoping that he will have enough life lessons to learn this quickly on his own. This where I have to let go.

While homeschooling has been beneficial in so many ways, this is still a new path for us. The question really is, what is education and what do our kids need to know to succeed in life? It is all a matter of personal judgement really.

Cool morning

It is very chilly and we are off to a beautiful start. The air feels crispy and the sky is cloudless. Autumn is just about here and it is a welcome change.

Shillelagh started walking quite a bit yesterday, taking 6-8 steps at a time. She is so amazing! Walking at the 11th month mark. I am assuming it took a lot out of her because she has been sleepily sitting on the futon for about half an hour. Huckleberry gave her all sorts of his special stuffed animals to snuggle with, Fiona gave her favorite pajama bottoms and Athena has been snuggling close to her while they watch Barney. All these sweet beautiful gems of mine, all together and loving each other. We are so very lucky.

Jesse called last night to report from his journey and he seemed rather sleepy and lonely. We miss him so much. The kids stayed up late to watch Richie Rich and slept in his bed. The small thrills of life can be so much fun.

Without Dad

Jesse left at 4:30 this morning for 4 days and 3 nights in glorious North Carolina! I was sad yesterday at just the thought of him not being around, completely missing my other half. But Huckleberry was really on the spot today. He was very helpful and listened to what I said! We got off to a slow start but we got a little more motivated thinking about what sort of surprises we could have for dad when he gets home on Thursday night.

Here is a picture of me slinging Shillelagh while the kids played.

It was so sweet to see Piper and Fiona chalk drawing while Huck and Athena walked Arthur. They have been playing with chalk quite a bit lately. Fiona really likes spending time with Piper.

It is funny how time works. Why is it that my mom's sickness started right before I told her about North Carolina? Any why is it she is supposed to get the news about the biopsy while Jesse is gone? God works in mysterious ways.

Being the bread baker

So today, I made my third loaf of bread. Well technically it has been 6 loaves . This is the best batch yet. It was so sticky when I was handling it and very light. It puffed down when I opened the oven door while it was rising for the 2nd time.

This bread thing is amazing. It may be just some flour, water, sugar and yeast, but when these ingredients combine, they make something of an expression for the day. All my energy goes into the kneading. What determines the exact amount of flour that you use? The humidity? The heat? My breath? God only knows and I plan to learn more of the ways of bread making . I want to make it every week for the rest of my life.

Some people will do Tarot, but I am more into bread making. It would be easier if the kids were more consistent in their routine. Then I would know just when I had a pocket of time to make it first thing in the morning. Then I could plan my day around the rising and baking. What I need to do is try and stay as consistant as I can be with regards to ingredients. That way I can limit the variables. Some variables will be somewhat out of my control, like the temperature of the room and weather.

I would love to spend some time with an experienced home breadmaker. Some older woman with all of the wisdom of her years that she could talk to me about and pass on. Then I have the chance of passing it on to my kids. That way their path has a chance of being shorter or easier. Well, only if they are listening.

Anger- what is it good for?

I have survived the email bomb.

All body parts and intact and unsinged. The only part hurting is my ego. Well, that was actually hurt with the initial email but I responded with good and hearty cockiness, indifference and, oh yes, hate, which kept me busy until the bomb blew off all facades to my email and I realized that I was being a child yet again. Perhaps it didn't help that the email was from my oldest sister/sibling.

The thing is, I just can't understand why I am so angry and hateful? Yea, there is always history, but it was never anything really big. Just the normal lies, mostly to herself and dishonesty. Wait, isn't that the same thing? No. She just didn't tell me a lot or rather anything for that matter. That was a pattern throughout my childhood for my whole family.

Today I responded with honest emotion and a question. I wonder how this will go and if I will ever stop being angry.

I ask myself, Why does this matter so much? What do I want to get from her? What do I want to do to her and what do I think that will bring?

Perhaps it is just a bad habit of being overly defensive and nasty with sibling. What am I defending? My existence? My right to be in the family? But it really comes out with her. When I talk to any of my other siblings, I think of ways to help them grow and learn. To help them some way. But I don't want to help her. Maybe it's because she thinks she knows it all? What exactly does she know?

Hmmm......much to ponder.

The kids and Jesse have been so great while I am in digestion mode. I am so lucky to have people that understand me and give me room to be myself.

What is really being said

It can be amazing how much can be "read into" an email. One sentence can be interpreted in so many ways. People tend to leave off punctuation, misspell words, while some people don't even use capital letters. This is why I just love to use smiley faces. I am the type of person that needs to see some one's face when they are speaking to see what they are trying to convey. Also, who is actually sending the email and for what reason.

Never mind the fact that I tend to be overemotional. Unfortunately, I tend to misinterpret what I read. Hence the totally offensive email I sent yesterday.

To the average person, the message I received was just short and polite. Somewhat informational, perhaps even positive encouragement. But that isn't what I read. I saw deliberate force of guilt with a complete condescending air. With words like "devastated" followed by "anyway, good luck!".

I felt a little regret about how I responded. But I responded honestly. There is no need for a decoder when it comes to reading my response.

That's why I am awaiting an email bomb of sorts. Every time I open email, I fear it will be there, waiting for it's self destruction on my harddrive. The consequences to my emotional tirade.

Well, I can handle it. It's just family! :)

Labor Day Weekend

We aren't going to do ANY strenuous work this weekend. There have been so many changes happening in the past couple of weeks, we all just need time together. The weather is absolutely perfect. Jesse is home for three days with no painting to do!

Here is to a loving, fun, and wonderful group of people that I get to share this amazing journey of life with.