Anger- what is it good for?

I have survived the email bomb.

All body parts and intact and unsinged. The only part hurting is my ego. Well, that was actually hurt with the initial email but I responded with good and hearty cockiness, indifference and, oh yes, hate, which kept me busy until the bomb blew off all facades to my email and I realized that I was being a child yet again. Perhaps it didn't help that the email was from my oldest sister/sibling.

The thing is, I just can't understand why I am so angry and hateful? Yea, there is always history, but it was never anything really big. Just the normal lies, mostly to herself and dishonesty. Wait, isn't that the same thing? No. She just didn't tell me a lot or rather anything for that matter. That was a pattern throughout my childhood for my whole family.

Today I responded with honest emotion and a question. I wonder how this will go and if I will ever stop being angry.

I ask myself, Why does this matter so much? What do I want to get from her? What do I want to do to her and what do I think that will bring?

Perhaps it is just a bad habit of being overly defensive and nasty with sibling. What am I defending? My existence? My right to be in the family? But it really comes out with her. When I talk to any of my other siblings, I think of ways to help them grow and learn. To help them some way. But I don't want to help her. Maybe it's because she thinks she knows it all? What exactly does she know?

Hmmm......much to ponder.

The kids and Jesse have been so great while I am in digestion mode. I am so lucky to have people that understand me and give me room to be myself.