The places I find myself

I don't know how it happens, but whenever I get a job, I usually find myself in a cubicle making lots of calls to people I don't know and leaving voice mails for potential sales opportunities. I don't particularly find it easy or fun, but for over 9 years on and off, this is what I end up doing as work. Mind you, it does pay the bills and, again, it is one of the only ways to make enough money for a family when you don't have any special talents or a degree of some sort. Still, it is amazing the limits that I put upon myself time and time again. Yes, I sit in traffic an average of 80 minutes a day. Yes, I sit on my butt all day and have gained a ton of weight and have now what you call the secretary butt. Yes, I wait for someone to tell me what tasks need to be done and then, like a good cube worker, efficiently finish the task. I find that most days I am asking myself, just like Michael Byrne from Talking Heads, "Well, how did I get here?".
I am a somewhat educated woman with a good head on her shoulders and a very good (an ever improving) work ethic. What ever happened to my imagination? It is still the best way to play with my kids. Weather we are Care Bears in Care a Lot or Pirates in a flying ship, we always play pretend at home. What does it say of me, as a mother even, to encourage my kids and say you can do just about anything you want to do, yet here I am slogging away, gaining weight and searching for meaning in my work.
I could blame my plain as mayonnaise on white bread upbringing. I could blame years of public schooling that sucked the creativity and life out of me. I could blame a society that encourages "cube working" from the rich on down. "You can't be a dancer, that doesn't make any money.Never mind the competition. You need money." So here I sit in my gray cube.
Still, even if I wanted to do something else, I wouldn't know where to begin. I can't even tell you what exactly I would want to do, never mind what I do well. People seem to have these passions about things. Baking, fixing things, helping people, writing.
When I think about it, the only thing I am at all passionate about it to do God's work and to do it whole heartedly. Whatever the Universe decides that it is. Perhaps that is what I am doing. But it sure gets boring!

Vital

There are some things that this over emotional mother has learned I can't function well without.
#1- Coffee The best legal over the counter drug that comes to me hot, sweet and creamy. In New England, there is no other way to wake up early in the morning and work when the weather is 0 degrees and the landscape is barren and gray. (Missing our North Carolina days now). It also helps me navigate the rocky mountains of my ever gushing emotions by never letting them get to the surface. Thoughts are racing and there is no time to get carried away with feelings when there is work to be done.
#2- Chocolate- Nothing is as grounding and soothing as chocolate. Good chocolate- well medium good chocolate. We can't quite afford that great stuff, even the good stuff is expensive. But when you think of the savings from skipping breakfast and lunch, it isn't a problem! The chocolate I am currently enjoying, thanks to friends and family, are Lindt Truffles. Not those fruit filled ones, those are for my daughter. The chocolate filled ones are my vice at the moment. How do they make that creamy yet unspreadable stuff in the centers? There is a variety pack that contains, white chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, very dark chocolate and chocolate with peanut butter. One for every mood! Heaven in a bag.
#3- The last thing on my list isn't a tangible object, but an experience I let myself have. A good cry. This doesn't have to be on a daily basis. However, I do notice that when life is full of, well, life, I get a back up of sorrow, sadness, grief, anger and helplessness (this girl knows her emotions). Once I let the gates open and the tears go, the waves flow through me and I can express all those painful emotions that I have been pushing around for a while. It is a selfish expression of my ego. Why me, why this, why that.....? It lets me give voice to the fears and anger of living a life without complete attachment to the things around me. After all, you can't take it with you and this form is only temporary.

5 months

Our newest baby is already 5 months old. She has a nice chubby physique, smiles with a dimple, rolls over from back to belly, can reach and grab onto things, and interacts with you. You have to be careful when you hold her because she wants whatever you have in your hands, which makes it very difficult to drink a glass of water while holding her.
It has been wonderful watching my husband fall in love with our baby. He loves all of our children, but when you stay home with an infant, you fall in love in a different way. Being home means you get to be present for all the little details of their growth and change. You start to understand what they want from the look in their eye or they noise they make. Getting to know someone that well, changes your perception on all your relationships. It somehow lets you give them more room to grow and more time to do it, because you really understand where they are and where they have come from. Well, it has for me and it seems to be the same for my husband as well.
Whatever the case, I am so grateful to see their love, their closeness and level of communication when no words are involved. It's the small things that make life worth living.