It's just complicated

Last night I went out to dinner with my sisters and my mother for a girls night out. It was the first time we have ever done something like this. It was very strange to be with my sisters and my mom in this way. It was almost like they were coworkers, but with less familiar knowledge of each others lives. The funny thing is, besides my mother, I was the one with the most visible gray hair!

My mother has been diagnosed with cancer, so my sister has come up for a visit from South Carolina. It all seems so strange. The knowledge that my mother’s life expectancy is shorter that ever before is affecting me in ways that I just never imagined. It is as if I am carry around this heavy load that makes it so hard to think clearly or function in a semi-detached manner. My appetite is up and down and I keep getting caught up in worry cycles of my identity.

I don’t think that it is just her having a rapidly growing cancer (her diagnosis has given her 6-12 months to live) but the fact that we are moving to North Carolina on the 29Th of this month. I was so very excited when we found out we were going to move. All expenses paid for at least a year and Jesse keeps on working. What could be bad about that? Well, my mom having cancer, that’s what. There’s this old voice in my head saying “See,the move was just too good to be true. Something bad just had to happen to even it all out.” Isn’t that some sick thinking. Or maybe just some rationalization so that I don't ever get too big in the head.

See, I told her about the move after she had been to the doctors and knew something terrible was up. Though she didn’t tell me. Instead she said that is was a great opportunity for our family and what a great experience it will be for the kids. That she was going to miss us so much, but that was just her being selfish. I should have known something was up when she said that. She waited to tell me that they found “something” until the week after I told her about our move.

Perhaps it is just her generation. I am not sure if it is denial or lack of self importance to those around you. Everything has been hush hush. Then again, everything always has been hush hush! She will let you know if you ask, but the subject is never broached. When I asked her how she was feeling the other day, she mentioned that her legs hurt at night so she took one of the pain pills they gave her. She didn’t want to take too many, she said, because you could get addicted to them. Then, when I go over with the kids, she still has the comics for the kids, ice cream, something she baked. She gets up to get the play dough, drinks, what ever the kids or I need. I ask myself, am I supposed to stop her from doing this? No. She wants to do it. If my mom didn’t want to do it anymore, she wouldn’t . Why make her feel incapable? She has been a great role model when it comes to being acceptant of what God gives you and staying strong.